First of all, I would like to thank all the friends who have come here to witness my baptism. At our last party after my wife Carrie announced the news, Ruby came to ask me, “Hi Alan, I’m surprised. What has happened to change your mind? Why have you suddenly decided to become a Christian?” Perhaps many of you have the same question. Compared to Carrie, I am more sensible. In fact, I can be a very stubborn person. I rarely believe in things or change my mind just because others do. That is why it took me 27 years to change from a determined atheist to a devoted Christian.
An atheist
My first encounter with Christianity happened during the time when I was in my junior high school in Fuzhou. Our lessons on Chinese and Political economics told us that a religion was a type of superstition which was created by the ruling class to control people; believing in gods was the product of people’s ignorance; and as science and technology developed, highly educated intellects all should be atheists.
During the time when I was in university, I gained further understandings of Christianity. At that time, we had an English teacher who came from England. She was a devoted Christian and often shared some movies about Jesus with us. She told us that at 19 years old, she had a dream, and in the dream God told her to come to China to teach and preach. Although she knew nothing about China, she gave up everything she had in England without hesitation and came to China alone. Since then she had lived in China for more than ten years. Although this was many years ago, until now I can still remember the shock I felt in my heart when I first learnt about her experience.
I had my third encounter with Christianity when I was an international student in Australia. I participated in some activities provided by the local church and made new friends there. It was then I received my first Bible. There were many people in that church who were dedicated Christians and I was deeply touched by their decency and noble actions. It was the first time I realised that I wanted to be one of them.
Unfortunately, I did not believe in God and eventually I drifted away and lost contact with them.
A doubter
My fourth encounter with Christianity started from meeting Chris and Bob about 6 years ago. At that time, with more life experience and knowledge I was no longer an atheist. It occurred to me that neither atheism nor science could explain all my questions and confusions. The mere existence of countless supernatural phenomena is a proof that science is far from the reason behind everything and there are more questions it cannot answer than those it can. I once believed if human’s scientific understanding could reach a higher level, there would be a reasonable scientific explanation behind all the phenomena. This was the foundation of my faith in science. Then one day, I realised my whole scientific belief was not built upon solid historic events or scientific evidence but a hypothesis-an ‘if’. Suddenly I felt that all my world views became quicksand and extremely weak. If we could use ‘if’, let us imagine something bigger. What if God really exists?
From that moment, I was no longer an atheist but a doubter. The essence of scepticism was uncertainty. I was not sure if God existed in the world as I could not see him. I was not sure whether God created the world or all life beings came from evolution. I was not sure if there was only one true god or many gods who were working together. I did not want to spend much time thinking and researching about these questions as I actually found it a very troublesome task. My life was so busy and how could I find time for this. I chose to be a doubter for the reason that it was a simple way of living. I told myself God may or may not exist, which seemed to fit one of the most Chinese values-Chungyung (the doctrine of the mean). So I lived in this state for many years.
On 22nd July, 2013, Carrie was baptised on her birthday and formally became a Christian. I was very jealous of her. I have always admired people who have true faith. I know that is a noble feeling. Only noble people can become a true believer. I hoped one day I would become one of them. Thanks to Carrie and her baptism, I started to think if scepticism was a right way of seeing the world.
As a doubter, I always said,” I don’t know if God exists or not. If he does, let him come out and show himself to us. If I see him, off course I will believe in him. If I can’t see him, how can I believe in him?”
If we only believe that seeing is believing, what about our history? In five thousand years Chinese history, so much happened and so many people lived. Although we haven’t seen any, we truly believed it. Have we ever doubted Qin Shihuang uniting China? Have we ever doubted Han Wu Emperor defeating the huns? Have we ever doubted the Golden Years of Zhenguan in Tang Dynasty? Never. The reason we chose to believe this is that all these facts came from authoritative organisations and we trust the historians and archaeologists on their researches and judgements.
However, the top level scientists in the world including Newton, Einstein, Faraday, Ampere, Ohm, Joule and many more all had strong faith in gods. Were they not wiser than us? Was any of them not standing on the pinnacle of human knowledge in their field, so close to God? If they could believe in gods, shouldn’t we dig deeper to find more about God?
Believing in gods
On the way to following Jesus everyone has countless doubts and confusions. Without being answered, these doubts will be by our side for the rest of our life. If we try to solve the problems, today’s confusions might become the very reasons to believe in Jesus in the future. From that day, I decided to spend some time each day on reading and researching in order to find the answers on my mind. One day, I heard this famous fish tank talk story.
Little fish: This is a wonderful world. Whenever we are hungry, food falls from the sky. Whenever the water gets murky, it clears up on its own.
Big fish: Do you really think this is an amazing natural rule? Actually someone is behind all the rules controlling everything. We call him ‘Great Man’.
Little fish: Where is the Great Man? I have been to every corner in this tank and never seen this guy.
Big fish: He is not in this tank. He is not even in the water. Just because you haven’t seen him does not mean other fish haven’t seen him. And just because you haven’t seen him does not mean that he does not exist.
Little fish is surprised: He is not in the water! But how does he breathe?
Big fish: He does not need water to breathe. He can breathe in the air.
Little fish: That’s impossible. No fish can breathe without water.
Big fish: He is not a fish. He is a man, a great man.
Little fish: If he really exists, then where does he come from?
Big fish: We can’t deny his existence just because we can’t understand man. There is one possibility. The man himself doesn’t know where he comes from. We are only fish. Our intelligence doesn’t allow us to understand man. Even if he tells us, we probably won’t understand it.
The conversation in the fish tank provoked my thinking and I had a whole new understanding of the existence of gods. In a sense, it helped me walk out a big step. I became a supporter of theism. I believed that there was this supernatural power (God) who created and rules everyone and everything. In the west, it is called God; in China, it is called Laotianye; scientists call it nature. Essentially they are the same thing with the same qualities. For example, when you see something amazing in nature, theists praise the greatness of gods and atheists sing eulogies for nature. My conclusion was that theism and science were overlapping at some point. Robert Jastrow, the founder of NASA space research institute, once said,” When scientists finally climb up the mountain of truth, theologists have been there waiting for years.” You can use google to find out many examples, from the discovery of the shape of earth to the knowledge of air pressure, water circulation and electromagnetism, which are the evidence to prove that what scientists have been trying so hard to uncover has been in the Bible for so many years.
However, I still had confusions. Why those great miracles only occurred in ancient times? Why I can’t see any of those miracles? This had been puzzling me for at least five years. I aspired a miracle from God through the power of which I could consolidate my faith. But it didn’t happen. Until one day, I read an article about an extraordinary phenomenon in outer space. When people look to the sun from inside the spaceship they can see glare. If they turn around to look to the opposite direction, all they can see is darkness. Without the particles to reflect light ray, no sunlight will be seen by naked eyes. The miracle is if you believe that there is sunlight in the darkness and reach out your hand, you will see your hand shine as if it is in the part with sun. If we don’t believe there is light until we see it, we will never be able to see this miracle. Suddenly I realised that if we would only choose to follow God after we had seen the miracle, then we would never see it; if we truly believed in God, we should just reach out to him and miracles would happen in front of us.
Now I had developed a desire to religion and wished that I could have strong faith like a dedicated Christian. But I still could not achieve it. I could not convince myself as I still did not believe in God. So many questions haunted me and I tried to read the Bible and actively participated in Discovery Bible Study groups. However, the more I read, the more questions I had. All these questions were like millions of locks on the door to the way to Jesus.
I was a theist at the time. My Chinese background encouraged me to find answers from Buddhism. I could agree with many principles proposed in Buddhism such as karma and reincarnation, which could relate to some other religions. But if I were to choose Christianity, I would have to believe in the only God. I found it difficult to accept that. Here I owe all my thanks to Bob who came to my house every Tuesday and discussed with me for hours answering my questions and provoking my thinking. He even invited his friend Neale to come and help me understand other religions.
A Christian
I decided to dig deeper in the study of Christianity and do more research on the resurrection of Jesus as this is the essence of Christianity and many famous atheists have become dedicated Christians after they have investigated in this topic. More and more archaeological and historical evidence shows that Jesus was real and he really came back to life after having been crucified. The more research I do, the more I believe in Jesus. At the same time, in order to clarify the confusions other religions bring me I have begun to study the history of other main religions.
I found out that the creator of either Buddhism or Islam was ordinary people or great prophets. They were the elite in the society with high intelligence and rich knowledge. Just like Laozi of Dao and Confucian of Confucianism these people propagate their understanding of the world through simple, worldly and easy-to-understand teaching. They were not gods but people who were more intelligent than the most. In fact, when Buddha was developing Buddhism, he was an atheist. Until his death, he did not believe in any true god. Because of this, Buddha believed that it was useless to burn incense and bow down in front of statues. After his death, Buddhism in India was divided into Mahayana and Hinayana. Mahayana later was brought to mainland China and Buddha was regarded as an omnipotent and almighty god which transformed Buddhism from atheism to polytheism. Buddhism is more of a philosophy which appeals to countless believers through its wise words on life teaching and guiding people how to live their life. However, no matter how great Buddha was, he was not a god. I think the reason many Chinese people become Buddhists is that they actually do not understand what Buddhism is about, just like what I did before. They did not spend time to find the answer and were simply following in blind. They vaguely feel that they can agree more on the principles propagated in Buddhism. But this is not enough. Blind faith is not real faith. Only through researches and investigation, can one find the right among the wrong and avoid being deceived by fake gods.
At last, I have unlocked the millions locks and opened the door to Jesus. I invite him to live in me and control my life. I once said that I was a very stubborn person. After 27 years of hard work from the Christians in my life including many friends here, today I can proudly tell everyone,” I believe in Jesus and my sins have been lifted because he was crucified on the cross. I open my heart, my mind and my soul to you, Jesus, and accept you as my saviour. Thank you for saving me from my sins and bring me eternal life. Please be my lord and make me whom you are pleased with.”
Thanks again to Chris and Bob for all the unconditional help, encouragement, support and love. Without them, I wouldn’t have been here.
The above is the experience of an atheist me to a Christian me. I know that even after I am baptised, I am far from a good Christian. A journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step. Today, I am willing to take the first step.
Please allow me to end this speech with quoting Sir Francis Bacon. If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content with doubts, he shall end in certainties.